When I started Living Life in 2010 I knew nothing about blogging (I still don't). I wanted to write, to tell stories. I wanted to write about living everyday and finding the blessings...
grace, in and among the ordinary...a good book, a simple meal, a smile.
Life is very much like writing.
Some days the words flow beautifully together creating something worth keeping.
The next there is struggle, emotion and nothing pretty comes from it. Both are gifts. One teaches gratitude, the other patience. Right now I am frozen somewhere in-between.
It has been a difficult couple of months.
It has been a long few years.
I don't know where to begin; perhaps this is more about an end.
An end I saw coming.
An end I saw coming.
I suppose that is exactly where I am at the present. I am trying to move forward,
but not ready to leave the past behind. My heart is broken.
A month ago, I left the town where I grew up with two SUVs loaded. My dad's life was sorted, divided and packed up before his funeral. I will not say anything here, except the boxes have remained sealed. I am not ready.
I smile.
When asked, I reply I am doing okay...
It is what most want to hear, grief is uncomfortable
when it belongs to someone else.
One day I will be okay.
I've been here before.
I've recently thought of closing Living Life, of just not returning. I didn't know how to show back up on the page without exposing my heavy heart. I then remembered why I began. I wanted to write...I wanted to write about living everyday. And, sometimes that living everyday gets messy.
Loss and grief are thrown in front of all of us at sometime. There is no escape. We each cope differently, no one's grief is greater than another, and we move on, as best we can. There is no right or wrong. It is part of living this life.
The blessing...
we heal...
time is the ointment....
memories the bandage.
when it belongs to someone else.
One day I will be okay.
I've been here before.
I've recently thought of closing Living Life, of just not returning. I didn't know how to show back up on the page without exposing my heavy heart. I then remembered why I began. I wanted to write...I wanted to write about living everyday. And, sometimes that living everyday gets messy.
Loss and grief are thrown in front of all of us at sometime. There is no escape. We each cope differently, no one's grief is greater than another, and we move on, as best we can. There is no right or wrong. It is part of living this life.
The blessing...
we heal...
time is the ointment....
memories the bandage.
Hugs to you all,
and thank you for reading!
Give yourself permission to take time to grieve...it's not a quick thing.
ReplyDeleteHold tight to the happy memories and be gentle on yourself...
sending you a big hug,
Bungalow Hostess
XO
I always enjoy your words.
ReplyDeletePain and grief I understand so well, but blogging honestly forces me to focus on the joys and graces of life.
All the best to you Bonnie.
Now is not the time to stop writing, it's the time to let it all flow. I always find such love and consolation here.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for your loss. Give time time, sending hugs. Xo J
Hugs to you, Bonnie! Your dad's life is in your heart and mind now. The boxes can wait. My condolences.
ReplyDeleteBest,
Bonnie
I am so very sorry, Bonnie. Grief runs its course, it is never easy, but the darkness does lift to be replaced with tears and smiles of memories. Know that many of your friends on Blogger relate to your sadness and understand your thoughts on no longer posting. I am relieved to read that we will still be seeing Living Life on our dashboards. Your words are always beautifully written and a joy to read.
ReplyDeleteBonnie,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are having such a hard time but my dear friend, it is perfectly normal and understandable. We are all here for you if you would like to talk about your dad, I would love to hear how you are. If you are sad say so, mad, then say that. Whatever it is please share.
I had a terrible year last year, everyday was a struggle and I mean a struggle. Thank God I work from home because there were many days were personal hygiene and food was not a priority. The only thing that got my butt out of bed were my dogs and my blog. My blog friends knew something was off and always offered words of encouragement and it helped a lot.
I hope that you take sometime for yourself this summer, thinking of yourself and your dad, being with your grandson.
Be well my friend, you are in my thoughts and prayers and I am always here is you need a friend.
Hugs to you,
Elizabeth
I have wondered about you Bonnie . . .
ReplyDeleteI am happy I am reading your writing . . .
Sad for you, for death, loss, grief . . .
Grief gets us through to the next page . . .
Writing helps . . .
As Love is Love, not more or less . . .
Grief is Grief . . . not more or less . . .
My caring . . . Bonnie . . . and love . . .
One of the most difficult parts of adulthood is burying ones parents. We get no training, yet we all must do it. Am so very sorry, and wish there was a way to lighten your load. You are correct tho, and time will help, as may writing. Have been missing your words
ReplyDeleteDear Bonnie... you write so beautifully. I hope the summer gives you time to find some personal space and 'just be'... if that's what is needed. Sending lots of hugs, Jx
ReplyDeletemy heart became heavy and at one point, i did not want to continue reading. i don't want to lose touch with my "joy filled" gardening, cooking, reading, dog loving, school teaching, life loving friend.
ReplyDeletelife is sometimes hard, sometimes filled with grief, real extreme sadness. how we deal with and cope with that sadness says so much about who we are. i don't have any magical words to say, to make you feel better or help you decide how to move forward....except to say, you were born to write and i would miss you if you were not here. if you don't write here, write somewhere....your written words are so profound and impactful, someone needs to be reading them!! love you!!!
Bonnie, do not stop writing here...please. I know too well the pain of losing a father. I still grieve a tremendous amount everyday and linger somewhere between denial and heartache. I re-live that morning over and over and it seems to get only slightly better. But, I know it will eventually. Pour your heart out here if you want and need to. It's all about living life, we all go through the same happy and sad things and this blogging community is a good one...I like to think we're all here for each other. ♥
ReplyDeleteOh, Bonnie, I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your father. You're right, I think - sometimes it can make people feel uncomfortable when we express our grief, or when we don't get through it at the speed someone else dictates. It's important to take as long as you need to work through it - and that those boxes will be there, ready to be opened, whenever the time is right for you. I'll keep you in my prayers and hope that loving memories can bring some consolation in your time of sadness. xo
ReplyDeleteOooooh Bonnie, a new header, I thought I was in the wrong place. You have only had two and I remember that first curly one so well!! I love this one!!
ReplyDeleteDearest Bonnie, I am here after having been out in the sunshine for the afternoon, and saw that you came by to comment. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you dear Bonnie; life is like a lot of things, and writing is too. I compare writing poetry to dancing ballet. I compare it to life, to photography in which you have to be patient to capture the light. I am glad you are back; we are all in a process, and those of us who I feel are "lucky" or rather, BLESSED to even be aware that we are on a journey of learning, there is so much hidden in every day life.
May your grief be a unit of time in this life that you receive grace, healing and love.
Dearest Bonnie - my friend I am so sorry to read about your dad. My heart goes out to you. In this life there are so many goodbyes but in the next there will be only hellos! I will be looking up for you. Life is life and you are so right sometimes it is messy and painful but that is why God sends you friends. They may not know what to say to make it better but they care. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteDear Bonnie, it is important to accept that great grief comes from having experienced great love and, like your other blogging friends, I understand very well how you are feeling just now and am grateful that you are able to share your feelings with us a little. To feel this is to have been blessed with a wonderful relationship. In my experience your father will never leave you, so much of who he was and his special relationship with his daughter will travel with you always.
ReplyDeleteMy father died at the start of the new millennium, having hung on in great pain for several months longer than predicted just to see the start of a new era. I acknowledge that I shall miss him for the rest of my life but he is spoken of often in his various roles of friend, grandfather and father and will always be present. He was a 'character' and there are plenty of funny stories that I could tell. It would be nice if you shared some happy memories with us about your father via the blog. Family histories captured in bloggers posts are always wonderful and also a valuable social document. Now that you are a grandmother there is so much that you could write of that could be of comfort to you and of great interest to family and friends.
With love, Rosemary.